My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
