Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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