i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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