Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
