I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I didn't notice because vodka
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
