I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
