I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
