i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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