if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Maybe he injected his testicle?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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