I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
