My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
