Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
