I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
