My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
