So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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