Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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