He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
