Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
