the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
