Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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