Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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