I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
