I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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