His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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