It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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