I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
