You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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