This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
