Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
