I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
