MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
