You're completely useless in the revolution.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
