he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
