Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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