Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
did i just pee glitter
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
