I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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