and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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