Moan for me like Helen Keller
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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