I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
