I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
