im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
