Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
