Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
