Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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