I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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