wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
