Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
