Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
