im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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