You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
