My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
