Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
