I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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