Jerry, you need to find god
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
