based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
