My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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