Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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