Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
There are leaves in my underwear?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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