I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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