Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So apparently I’m into choking now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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