garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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