You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
