Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
