Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Sext me about skeletons
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
