1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
