Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Randomize
