I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
